1964-03-29 - There's Rosemary, That's For Remembrance
Summary: Pepper and Bucky meet again in the night. She gives him more information and begs him to come back with her. He refuses, but now she knows how to leave him messages.
Related: None
Theme Song: None
bucky pepper 


It's been a fraught evening. Old acquaintance has been renewed in the most disconcerting possible way. And he left his coat and his rifle(s) and worst of all, his notebook behind. But he's memorized the facts that he's been able to find. He's from Brooklyn. He really is named James Barnes. He was in the Army with a certain Captain Rogers……and none of it rings any bells at all. It's a tale told about a stranger who used to wear a happier, unlined version of his face. But it's his story, nonetheless. Which is why poor Pepper gets a visit. One moment she's walking alone in a pleasant part of town, the next there's a man in a stolen old parka keeping pace with her, walking at her side as if they were old friends indeed. "You were telling the truth," he informs her, with neither greeting nor prelude. "I was James."

*

It's like fate has a strange sense of humor, Pepper having JUST met with Steve in her office a few hours earlier. Now, walking home (no longer quite fearing for her life, and the spring is night), she's suddenly presented with that face which has been haunting her dreams and most of her fretful day today. Her eyes go wide, half stumbling as he steps into place next to her, but then she keeps clipping along, heart suddenly in her throat, "Bucky!… God, yes… I… I was. Of course I was. I wouldn't lie to you. I…I care about you. Oh, thank god you're here… We need to find Steve."

*

"What's Steve going to do?" James's tone is conversational, even, his pace slowed to let her keep up without strain. He catches that stumble without hesitation, but there's no warmth in the touch. God forbid she break a heel.

*

While the lack of warmth is a bit sad, Pepper will take the touch. He might notice how her face lights up, for just a moment, when he willingly touches her. She clearly cared for him, quite deeply. She clearly misses him. A bit slower now, Pepper continues alongside of him. "…He… he'll talk to you. Try to help you remember the old times… try to help you come back to yourself. And he'll be there to fight the people who did this to you."

*

"Oh, yeah? You're assuming there's anyone left to come back to." Utterly unconvinced. "I don't remember any of it. And if you and I really were sleeping together - how's my left hand different from my right?" It's a test, though he's got no heat in his tone.

*

"…You mean the metal one? It's far stronger. You can feel through it…Sort of. The the sensations you get aren't anything like feeling things with your skin, so you preferred to only touch me with your right hand. But it gave the best massages and would get warm in the shower, but awfully cold on winter nights so I made you sleep on the left side of the bed so it'd be on the outside when you fell asleep. You said they originally made it for you because you were a veteran and you lost your arm in the war." Pepper spills out quietly without any hesitation. She knows his body almost better than he knows it.

*

She knows it better. Far better. For there are no pleasant memories of someone else's body against his, nothing of the way desire and affection can be a light in the darkness, a warmth against that undying cold. It's only and ever been a weapon forged by someone else, for their purposes. His brows lower, a little, and he unthinkingly makes more space between them. Just the thought makes him uneasy - what other memories are hidden from him?

*

Once more, Pepper cannot hide the hurt as he pulls away from her. It makes her face crumple and chest ache. "Bucky…please. We… we worked so hard. We can do it again. You…just have to work with me." Pepper whispers quietly, hands coming up and out, reaching gently for him but not quite touching. Just offering. Putting out that peace branch with her delicate, pale fingertips.

*

She's his one ally, as far as he can see. He knows he should be kinder. But he can't manage it. There's a shake of his head, and he's out of her reach. "And end up here again? Break this down for me. So I work with you. Steve talks with me - I do believe Steve knew me. Saw our pictures in the papers together. But where's this gonna go? What can he do? What is he now but a mascot for a war we won?"

*

It's almost exactly what she said to Steve earlier — what future did Bucky really have? Pepper's chest aches a bit more as he asks those questions, but she can't just give up. She takes a slow breath, hands still out for him, waiting. Hoping. Her red fingernails glimmer in the night beneath the streetlights. "We…we get you to some psychologists. SHIELD has great… amazing doctors. They start helping you to remember. We get you help. Then… we can make decisions together. I won't let them… keep you, or lock you up. I won't. If you need to get out, I'll help you get out… But let them help you first. Please."

*

"What's SHIELD?" he asks. And now Bucky's tone's gone dull again. "So, if the Russians don't kill me or take me, I turn myself in to what sounds like a goverment agency - they like the CIA, FBI? They're never going to let me see the light of day again, Pepper. You know that. There are always strings attached. They know I've gone wrong. I met one tonight - I got away, but for all I know, she let me go. If I turn myself in, if I don't get executed or hung out to dry….it'll be teh rest of my life in the Federal pen."

*

"SHIELD is… they're… well, it's international. They aren't just US. And they help people from the… WEird things out there. Like, beyond just guns and war. The really weird stuff. Like, what happened to you. I think it came out of what made Steve… the SSR? I remember, when I was a kid, they talked about it during the war… That's SHIELD. And they helped me, when I was really sick… they got me the treatment I needed. They are *good* people." Pepper insists softly, trying to keep the passion behind her voice without scaring him away. "They aren't federal. They have jurisdiction above that. It… it wouldn't be life in prison. It wasn't YOU who did those things."

*

"Shadow government. Oh, that's that much better," But the sarcasm isn't particularly biting. He looks away from her, for a long moment, down at the worn toes of his boots. "But…..I think, ultimately, you're right. I can't do this on my own." The admission is galling. "I guess I could disappear into some third world banana republic, but either your guys or the others would catch up to me in time. For the arm, if nothing else. I'll think about it…"

*

Ever so gently, moving slow enough that he can see and figure out what she is doing, Pepper tries to reach up and stretch her soft fingertips along his cheek. If he allows, she'll just gently cup his cheek, ducking her head down to try and catch his eyes even as he looks down to his boots. "…That's no life either, Bucky. Even if we… we never spend life together again, I want you to have a life. I care… Cared about you. Very deeply." Pepper whispers softly, blue eyes searching hard for his.

*

He doesn't duck away from the touch. But he doesn't respond to it, either. There's that almost animal indecision, like he's just not understanding the signals he gets. There's the rasp of stubble under her fingertips. But he raises his gaze to hers. "I'm not sure that's in the cards for me," he says, matter of factly. "Not with my past. Culpable or not, it's never going to leave me."

*

The pad of her soft thumb traces his jaw, a bittersweet smile tugging at her full mouth. "…That… that'll be up to you when you are more yourself. I won't say never. I won't force it either. I… tried to move on. Am trying. But I still care about you. Nothing changes that." Pepper whispers, stepping just a bit closer, not enough that their fronts are touching, but close enough he could smell her on the air and feel a trace of her warmth in the cold night.

*

Now there's that tightening around his mouth, his eyes. "You're assuming that the guy you were involved with was real," he says, with brutal directness. "I don't know what's real, at this point. James Barnes's been dead for two decades, and someone else's been walking the corpse around as a weapon since. I'm sorry," he adds, simply.

*

"I… met and fell in love with a veteran named Jack. I got to know, and love, a man named James Barnes, as he was remembering himself more and more. He became more… Real. And yes, there were… problems too." A strange cross of guilt across her features, over something she's not spoken of, but there are heavy memories there for Pepper. She keeps her small hand in place, half drowning the stubble on his cheek. "And I hoped to get to know him better."

*

His gaze is guileless, opaque, as he meets her eyes. "I don't know what's going to happen," he admits. "I won't make promises to you I don't know that I can keep. But it's a good thing to know that at least some part of me was worth that."

*

One last brush of her fingertips and Pepper gives a faint nod, letting her hand drop away. "I don't expect promises. Except… that you'll try to come back. Get help. You… could come with me tonight? I could get you to your old friends. People I know will take care of you. Just… just to give it a go?" Pepper asks softly, hope breaking through her pale eyes. "You are absolutely worth that."

*

He shakes his head. "No," A step back from her - that's more physical contact than he's head in weeks. "Not yet. I have….there are things I need to do."

*

"…Can… can you give me a way to find you? If I need you?" Pepper asks, trying not to let her voice sound desperate, but there is a line there. SHe felt like she was so close to getting him, and now he's pulling away again.

*

He really is like some stupid three-legged stray cat determined to bite (and claw) the hands that not only want to feed him, but also vaccinate, collar and chip him. "You don't need me for anything," he tells her, almost amused. A hint of that old, cold Jack. "But….leave a message with the bartender at .." And he names some dive bar, in a neighborhood only barely respectable.

*

It was a start. Pepper breathes out slowly, giving a small nod, "Alright. I will. And you know how to find me. If you tell the front desk at Wayne Enterprises it's Jack, they… They'll know just to send you up to my office. Any time. I'll take care of you, I promise. Just like you tried to take care of me." There is that strange weight again, something hard between them he's totally forgotten and she will not name.

*

Don't even ask him about the heroin he's started stealing from the one creature foolish enough to let him into his actual apartment. "I'll remember," he says….and then winces at the irony there. Sure you will, Bucky Barnes. Sure you will.

*

A quiet, longer look, Pepper not quite wanting to go but not certain what more she can say tonight to make things better. She finally, simply nods. "Talk to the bartender. At Hernando's. I will. If you don't find me, I'll come back for you, Bucky. I'm not just going to let you wander again… You're worth more than being a ghost." Pepper whispers that gently. She still cares, that much is achingly obvious. She then steps closer to him and onto her toes, leaning in for a swift, warm press of lips to the corner of his mouth. He may not let her, but she tries.

*

It might've been easier if he'd ducked it, or pushed her away. Instead, he just kind of …endures it. That it strikes no chords is clear….and he's got that listening air, like he's hoping some memory will check in with late-breaking info. C'mon, body, a beautiful woman just tried to kiss you. No opinions?

*

Pep doesn't look particularly surprised. She just gives him a slight nod, one last squeeze to his arm, "Good night, Bucky. It…was good to see you." She whispers softly before turning on the ball of her foot and moving back into the darkness of the evening. At least she's kept herself together, no nonsense tears or womanly protests at his lack of care.

*

If the Russians really were on their game, this'd be the moment his head's reduced to pink mist. Because he's still standing there like a complete idiot. "Good night," he replies, and by his tone, he's got no idea what in hell's just happened.

*

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