1964-06-17 - Save Me: Pt. I
Summary: Bucky and Kai talk about death, the afterlife, and options.
Related: http://www.marvel-1963.com/log:1964-06-19-save-me:pt-ii
Theme Song: Get me the hell out of here.
bucky kai 


There's that rooftop where once Bucky and Kai said good-bye, just before Bucky was going to turn himself in and was captured anyway. There's the pigeon cote, the view of Hell's Kitchen, and chunks of cinder block to sit upon. Kai is there, availing himself of one of those blocks, dressed in a loose black button-shirt and chinos. The shirt is unbuttoned, and he holds it closed with crossed arms as he stares out at the lights of a place that should be familiar.

*

He doesn't try to be secret. He's not trying to sneak up on poor Kai. There's the clangor of steeltoe boots on rusty iron fire escape, and that familiar head comes slowly into sight. He was not, by the way his face changes utterly when he spots Kai, expecting anyone there. Other than maybe that poor kid who didn't want pigeon stew. He can't even get a word out before he's vaulting over the wall at the edge of the roof and hurling himself at Kai. The elf'll find the breath nearly choked out of him by the arms wrapped around him, one muscle, one alloy.

*

Kai turns as he hears the presence of another, and it's just in time to be pulled into Bucky's arms. He hugs the man back fiercely, and tears spring to his eyes. He can't count how many times he's burst out weeping since he returned. It just happens, and now it happens again. "Bucky," he sobs. "Bucky, thank goodness you're all right."

*

Something about those damned dark elves turns both of them into puddles of tears - not sobbing yet, it's true, but the blue eyes are watery. "Oh, thank God, Kai," he says, voice gone tight as a bowstring. "You're okay. Oh, Christ, I thought I'd killed you."

*

Kai just hugs Bucky and lets himself have a cry. Those nightmarish harbingers of pain and grief are good at what they do. He doesn't want to let go of Bucky, because if the moment passes, then the conversation has to continue. Eventually, though, the tears do dwindle, and he's left shuddering to breathe. It can't be put off any longer, and he draws back, sniffling as he says, "I died. Bucky, they're going to take me back to Niflheim. I can't stay."

*

There's a beat of blank incomprehension, the teary smile still lingering. Then the light dies out of his face, and what's left is incredulous horror. His mouth works, but there are no words for a beat or two. Then he says, flatly, "No." A ragged breath in, out, and then he says, or really….almost barks, "No! How…..how are you *here*, if you're dead?" It's like a parody of his reunion with Steve.

*

Kai's eyes glitter with the tears, silver flecks shimmering in the ocean blue of them. He always was a pretty crier. "They tricked me," he says quietly, "and now I have to find Loki and bring him with me. I don't know how long they're going to give me, but I looked all day and couldn't find him." Is that relief in his voice? "I'm so sorry, Bucky. I don't blame you." His voice cracks. "You couldn't help it."

*

He bares his teeth at that….the wolf hasn't left him entirely. Or it was always his to begin with, that aspect of him called up and made flesh. He cups Kai's cheek as if the elf were fragile, and might shatter….though oddly enough, it's with the ungloved metal hand that he does so. It's always cool, no matter the weather, satiny smooth, the borders between the delicate plates barely felt. "No," he says. "No. I won't have you both stuck in some Norse version of Hell because of me. Maybe….maybe I can take your place."

*

Kai sucks in a breath and tenses at the baring of teeth. His heart beats faster. He has a heartbeat at least. Alive again. For now. The touch relaxes him. He shakes his head and says, "Don't even say that aloud," he says. Curls bounce as he continues to shake his head more fervently. "No, Bucky, you've got so much to live for. You don't understand what it's like or how long eternity will be." He exhales sharply and cups his hand over Bucky's. "It wasn't your fault. It was theirs. If you want justice, find them and destroy them." There's a rare, furious fire in the elf's eyes.

*

"How can I tell Steve this?" His voice cracks. "Steve thinks he's going to rescue you from them. You know he'll storm Hell itself for his friends. And I will, too. You will not spend eternity there." There's a nearly sibylline madness in his eyes - is this the death that breaks him? He pulls Kai to him, leans his brow against the elf's, tries to slow his breathing.

*

Kai lifts his head to do the same, brow to brow, and he closes his eyes. Sad, so deeply full of grief and sorrow, but he musters up a calm through slow, deep breaths. He can't let his friend see his fear. "Tell Steve thank you," he says, "for letting me make a difference." He smiles softly, and again there's that soul-deep sorrow. "Bucky, I got to make a difference. You should have seen it." He can't bring himself to say 'it's okay,' though. This? This is anything but okay. "It was all worth something, and how many people get to say that?"

*

"Tell him yourself," he says. It comes out nearly as a snarl, desperate to keep himself from dissolving into tears. "Kai, you're barely a kid. You told me yourself. You can't just be dead forever. Not like some dumbass human. And you have time. There has to be something we can do. Hell, Loki's no slouch, he's a god. He shouldn't die until Ragnarok, if even then. You guys can't go sit on your hands in where-ever until the end of the world….

*

"Maybe they won't make him come if he doesn't want to," Kai says. "I don't know how it works, they used my words to their liking." Not so much the beat kid he used to be, but more… elvish. He's quiet a moment, glancing aside as he thinks. Slowly, he says, "There are stories of infiltrations, but you have to understand, the lady of that realm is dangerous, and she's possessive of her souls. She would fight you, and she's a goddess."

*

There's that wolfish look in his eyes….and then he laughs, softly. "Kai, if I die fighting nobly - I go to Valhalla. It's a Catch-22. If I die in any other way, I'll be with you anyhow, and under her command. But no matter what happens, even with Loki…..you aren't staying there."

*

Kai studies Bucky's features. There's no use trying to talk the soldier out of it. He'll do what he'll do. The elf's brow furrows, and he says, "You'll go to Valhalla or Niflheim? But you're mortal. There are so many places you could end up." He shakes his head. "Bucky, I don't think it works like that."

*

"I took an oath to Odin. Loki was there. Something happened," he says, stubbornly. "Someone heard me."

*

Kai exhales sharply, and he looks Bucky over. "Of course you did," he says. He half-smiles, and he says, "Then die in battle, James Barnes, because what awaits in Niflheim is bleakness unending. There is no sun, no life, just dirt and more dirt. Time has no meaning. I have no idea how long I was down there. You are but a shade wandering a wasteland." He squeezes Bucky's arm, the flesh and blood one. "When you die, die in battle."

*

"Kai, I already have," he says, half-grinning. "There's nothing to say it's not retroactive. The Germans killed me, the Russians brought me back. And then Ava killed me again, but I was fighting. When I was a wolf, god only knows how many times I died, but it was in battle there. She can't have me. I belong to Odin."

*

Kai smiles, and he gives Bucky's shoulder a squeeze as he says, "There may come a day you'll regret you're not at Lady Hela's mercy instead, but Valhalla is nice, I hear." He pauses, lowering his gaze as he withdraws. "Have you seen Loki? Do you know where he is?"

*

Bucky shakes his head, unhappily. "I've looked," he says, voice plaintive. "Your place. His shop. CAn't find him anywhere. I'm sorry."

*

"That may not be such a bad thing," Kai says. "For him. If I can't find him before they're tired of waiting, he gets to stay here." He wrings his hands, suddenly fidgety. "If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him. Tell him why. Tell him that if he stays away I understand. And that I hope he moves on and is happy."

*

He gives Kai a dry look. "You really don't understand how smitten he is with you, Kai. That's not going to happen. I'll tell him, if I find him first, but…."

*

"But it's probably not going to turn him away from me," Kai says with a sigh. "I won't lie, Bucky, The prospect of what they'll do to me when I don't produce him terrifies me, and the thought of not going through that dim eternity alone is such a comfort." He paces, tugging at the sleeves of his loose shirt. It slips off his shoulders as he messes with it, and on his back there is the ash tree that had been painted on in henna. Now it is part of him, ingrained like a tattoo, and across his shoulders, the scars of that silver net shimmer on his skin like ink that won't be invented for decades to come.

*

The Soldier's lips thin out. "We'll rescue you," he insists, staunchly. "Strange is gonna help us."

*

Kai stops fidgeting, and he has his back turned to Bucky as he looks out at the city streets. "Mrs. Anderson died while I was away," he says. "The landlord said before she went, she wanted Hjuki, whatever that was." He bows his head. "I wasn't there." He utters a shuddering sigh. "Whatever you do, Bucky, don't die for me. Again. If you insist on this hare-brained scheme, don't fail. I would rather be lost than lose anyone else."

*

"I don't intend to die," he says. "I've died enough. Someone has to be keeping track, right?"

*

"Neither did I," Kai says softly. As he shifts, the dim streetlight that reaches this place shimmers on the silver netting staining his shoulders. He looks back at Bucky, and the fear he's been holding back is there, stark and bleak in his eyes. Despite the words coming out of his mouth, those eyes say it plainly: save me. "Steve can keep track. Tell him he's not allowed to die either. Or Strange, or any of you."

*

"I hear ya," Bucky's voice is gruff. "And….I think those two guys could go toe to toe with gods. Steve'll even be polite about doing it…"

*

Kai is quiet for a time. "You're all so fleeting," he says finally. "Such short lives that'll end before I know it. I spent all this time preparing for that, do you know? Anticipating the grief, cataloging each memory and emotion so that it would stick in my mind and heart." A tear slides down his cheek. He never thought they would outlive him. He comes back over to Bucky and hugs him.

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