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"I know," Bucky says, roughly. "I know. I figured you'd be my memorial. Someone to remember me when I was long gone. This is bullshit, Kai. It's not going to end that way. It isn't. I refuse to let it." He's pulled Kai to him again, protective as a kid with his teddy bear. This is mine and no one gets to take it from me. "Listen, we beat Germany and HYDRA. Someone's version of the afterlife….no problem."
*
"I'll always remember you," Kai says. "I remembered you down there. I remembered everything. Shades don't forget." He smiles a little. "It would be a kindness, and Lady Hela isn't known for granting those." He rests his head on Bucky's chest, a little brother seeking comfort from an older. "I have hope," he whispers, barely daring to utter the words. "I can't let them know that. They'll do whatever they can to crush it."
*
With a terrible pang, it reminds him of Steve's old fragility. The days before Captain Rogers and the shield, when Bucky was the big brother and Steve the scrapper with a heart three sizes too big for that frail body. "Well, fuck 'em," he says, bluntly. "They don't get to keep you.
*
"I'll always belong to the ones I love," Kai says, and he closes his eyes, uttering a soft sigh just to hear Bucky's heart beat. When they take me back, I won't give up, Bucky. I'll wait. I'll leave signs, like a trail of bread crumbs to find me." He looks up at the man, and he smiles. Not so fragile in body, but just now? After everything that's happened? There's the pain of torture in his eyes, a fluttery demeanor more fey than usual. A brave face for a shattered youth.
*
Slow and strong, despite all this stress. He's still in very good shape, for a mortal. Bucky looks down at him, sadly, and pats him on the back, as if he were an infant in need of soothing. Kai's never been meant for this kind of ordeal. Never been meant to be a warrior, just a healer.
*
"I think he might be in Svartlheim," Kai says after a moment. He barely utters the word without a shudder. "If they weren't lying about… about what he was up to. He's not here. I've searched everywhere. We may need to go get him. Bucky…" He studies the soldier's features. "We have to go get him. If I'm not searching for him, they'll take me back, and if he's stuck there, we can't leave him."
*
There's a very deep, careful breath that lets Bucky do that, as well. He's tensed at the mention of the place. "I don't think he's up there fucking other elves, not willingly. They might have him tricked or trapped, though. Steve will help us."
*
"I don't think so," Kai says, though there's a waver of uncertainty. Normally he would never believe it, not even a little. But. Bucky saw the things they did to grind the elf down. He's been subjected to the same. He might be the only person Kai knows who would understand. He lowers his gaze and says, "You know, even if he did, it doesn't matter. I love him. I'd love him no matter what."
*
"That's how love works," Bucky says. His voice has a hint of bleakness. "I've been in love. Believe me, I know. But no matter what level of asshole he turns out to be….we'll find him."
*
"But I do believe they were lying," Kai adds quickly. "H-how could they not." He swallows, and his hands tremble a little. He shoves them in his pockets and asks, "How are you doing? You didn't exactly have a great time there, either. Are you taking care of yourself?"
*
He looks at Kai, amused, relinquishing his grip a bit. No clutching the elf like a stuffed toy. "I'm as crazy as a shithouse rat, as usual. But I have a job, I can crash with my friend Scarlett…..if we can just get you squared away, maybe Steve can actually get me cleared. Some, anyhow."
*
"Scarlett is nice," Kai's quick to say. "I'm glad it's her you'll be staying with. She knows the kind of thing we've been through." He comes to sit down on one of the cinder blocks and pats the one beside him in an invitation to take a rest. "I'll keep looking for him," he says, "for as long as they'll let me. Til they run out of patience. So we look for Loki. I'll seek Strange for his wisdom. If you're going to do this, be prepared."
*
Bucky settles down at Kai's side. "Sure. Strange's helped me, even though I don't deserve it. I bet he'll help you, too," he says, patting Kai on the shoulder. Reluctant to let the elf get too far out of reach.
*
Kai tells Bucky, "It's not about deserving, Bucky, or if it is, you didn't deserve to be captured in the first place. Strange knows things like that." He's quiet for a long moment, mindlessly leaning toward the patting, starved for life and the luxury of basic human touch. "I'm glad you did it," he finally says. "They were changing me, Bucky. I was starting to give up and give in. I almost wanted them, but only almost, and now even though things are a mess, I'm still me."
*
"I know how that feels," he says, softly, but his voice is vibrant with grief. Those early, terrible memories of….no memories at all, a bright, blank slate for the Russians to write horrors on. Like a newborn. "I feel like….i've been stained inside. In a different way than the Soviets did."
*
"You spared me that," Kai says, and he squeezes Bucky's shoulder. "No matter what happens, worst case scenario, I'm me. Don't feel guilty. What you gave me was a gift. I only feel bad because of what it's done to you. It's the truth, and it's what I'll say to anyone who doubts it."
*
"Don't feel guilty, he says," Buck's voice is only lightly mocking. "Little too late for that one, buddy. I hate feeling like all I do is destroy the people who are kind to me." But he nudges KAi with his shoulder.
*
Kai nudges back and smiles crookedly. "There's worse things than death, you know? Besides, I can't stop you from doing something foolish, so you'll have to succeed. Therefore I have nothing to worry about. The logic is flawless." The smile lingers for a moment, then fades as he says, "Either way, it's over. Thank the gods for that."
*
James peers at him. "What do you mean, it's over?" he says, slowly. "But you're right. I could never stop Steve from doing dumb things. And now it's your turn to be unable to stop me."
*
"We're not in that place anymore, we're not at their mercy. Even if we have to go back there to find my Loki, we're not their playthings." He sighs quietly. "Bucky, I hate being the voice of reason. It always makes me feel so far out in left field when I'm the one saying let's be reasonable."
*
That makes him stare for a moment longer….and then he laughs. "Tell me about it. I was the voice of reason for Steven Rogers for *years*. You have no idea how amazingly stubborn that man is. I spent most of my childhood trying to keep him from getting himself killed."
*
Kai says wryly, "I've seen his determination. I've gone on missions with him." He clasps his hands together and sighs. "I wish I'd had more of those. We changed things for the better. If I get to come back, I'll keep fighting the good fight with him. Maybe with you someday, if you wanted that. I haven't given up hope for you either."
*
"I….we'll worry about me, later," he says, easily. "First there has to be a later for you. But….you know what? I could really use a drink. Let's get one."
*
Kai gets to his feet and says, "Sergeant Barnes, that's the best idea I've heard all day." He nods toward his apartment just a few roof tops away. "I've got a bottle of whiskey I haven't taken more than a few sips from. Let's give it a good sending off."