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Sometimes Kai isn't here. Sometimes he stays at Loki's place, making it easier to mind the shop in Loki's absence. Tonight, though, he's here. Kevin is at the door when Jay gets home, and he's a droopy little dog. In the bedroom, there are sounds of sniffling and quiet sobbing. No doubt this is the prelude to a fun time.
*
Whether Kai's here or not, Jay comes back every night. He's become a constant in Kai's little apartment's world. The young man takes on a natural caretaker mode without asking or having to be asked, which could be annoying in a certain light. He picks up food, cooks at least one small meal, cleans up, takes Kevin for walks every morning and night. At one point he was pretty anxious about it, but unless clothing has decided to enchant itself, he's taken the clothes down the street and done the laundry. It's like having a mom-maid, except he never pushes for answers.
Jay gets home with a paper grocery bag in one arm and immediately scoops Kevin up with the other, holding the droopy dog up over his head for a bit of baby talking. "Kev, why ya gotta be in front a the door? Ah'm gonna step on ya. Goofy mutt. Ya wanna go fer a walk, buddy? Ya wanna go let all the other dogs that they better give ya yer due on yer turf?" The tiny kitchen gets a couple extra articles added to it while Jay casts dubious, heartbroken glances toward the bedroom door. What could he /possibly/ do in this situation? Still…his feet lead him that way, gently pressing the door open and peering inside. "Hey, Kai. You home t'night?"
*
Kai hasn't had much of an appetite lately. He eats when food is put in front of him, but otherwise doesn't take much interest. He's self-medicated with drugs. Sedatives, mostly. He seems pleasant, though. Still smiles, still chats about everything under the sun.
He lies on his side, his back to the door. He's in boxer shorts but no shirt, and the tattoo of the ash tree within a circle can be fully seen, and around his shoulders that strange silvery netting worn on his skin like a mantle. He hugs the pillow on the bed with the monogrammed L. He sniffles, and he says, "Yeah, unless you want the bed, I can go."
*
Jay makes sure Kai has something in front of him to eat when he isn't working. He tries to convince him to come out a few times as well, but generally doesn't want to be a bother. He's expanded his ward realm from just Kevin to Kevin and Kai.
Jay smiles gently, "You know Ah'm gonna tell you every time that it's yer bed, Kai." Still, Jay frowns softly and walks to the bed, dropping down on an unoccupied spot with a bounce, turned toward his deeply mourning friend. "Ah was gonna make supper." the statement is a question. just doesn't sound like one. The young man scoops a spare armful of covers and a pillow to scoop it up all under his head, peering at the sad elf. "Hai."
*
Kai sniffles again and turns over so he can face Jay. His golden curls are disheveled, and his blue eyes have been rendered deep aqua from the tears. Though his eyes are a little red-rimmed, he's not blotchy or flushed. The tears are like little crystalline drops of sorrow, rather pretty. Some people have all the luck. "Hi," he says with a small smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be home so soon."
*
Jay keeps that smile on his face, trying to be even the slightest ray of sunshine in a dark and Loki-less world. Reaching over gently to try to press some messy curls out of the elf's face. "It's really okay. You don't gotta feel bad about this. Ah…know what this feels like a bit."
*
Kai smiles weakly at the touch, and he sniffles again. Then his features screw up miserably and he looks away. "I don't know that you do," he says, his voice trembling. But he's not going to cry again. He's all cried out. Now he's at the sniffling and trembling stage. "Jay, something happened."
*
Pressing messy curls away from Kai's face and behind one ear, Jay rests his hand lightly against the man's face. "Ah think that's the understatement of the year." Jay's tone is gentle, searching the blond's face. "Breathe fer me, okay? Ya gotta breathe. Look…" red lashes flash, far too long to be entirely masculine, Jay exhales through his nostrils gently, trying to sort his thoughts. "Somethin'…sorta happened here, too. You wanna go first, or should Ah?" Jay's brows arch slightly with the question, gaze raising to meet those deep, tear laden eyes.
*
Kai takes a shuddery breath, and he nods. Yes, breathing. Breathing is good. After a few breaths, he relaxes some, and he says in a wavering voice, "I died." Sniff. "I was killed, and I was in Niflheim, which is a dull and featureless hell, and I'm only back to complete a task and then they're going to drag me back." Sniffle. "What's yours?"
*
Breathing! Good. That's progress. Jay quirks a small smile, then falls quiet with his hand resting on the side of Kai's face when he breaks the news to him. Slowly blinking after that information, Jay tries to process it. His face contorts gently, slowly at first, uncertain of what it just heard, then growing in more certain upset once certain words settle in more. His voice choked a little, the tension audible in his throat, Jay swallows hard and murmurs back, "Yer…goin' away again?"
*
"I don't have a choice," Kai says quietly. Aside from a little whimpering, he's mostly over his crying jag. He cuddles Loki's pillow close to his chest. "I'm only alive again until I complete my quest or they get tired of waiting." He draws a shuddery breath again. And another. "I have to find Loki, to take him with me. If I stop looking, they'll take me away and do something worse."
*
Jay clearly doesn't understand how Niflheim works, but those deep forested green eyes blink a few times, becoming watery around the edges as he struggles to remember what feels like a really, really little thing. "Compared to 'Ah'm dead and goin' back to hell after Ah drag mah lover with me…mahne seems…silly."
*
Kai shakes his head and says, "It's not silly. It's part of your life and you being alive. None of it's silly." He musters up a small smile, and he gives Jay's arm a squeeze. "Tell me. I could use a little something-else right now."
*
Blinking rapidly a couple times to keep himself from letting that dam break, Jay sniffs violently and glances down a bit, his fingers slipping down off the elf's face, pale fingers settling in a light curve against the side of his neck, "Ah don't know if it's a whole lot of 'somethin' else'." His expression registers apologetic, wings shivering behind him, twitching against his shirt and the bedsheets. "Okay so, Ah'll start at the beginnin'. Ah called you when Ah didn't see you for a few days. Ah was worried, Y'know? Ah mean, maybe Ah shouldn't have been, but…" Jay sighs and sniffs again, looking at his resting fingers for a moment. The turmoil slowly churning in his gut threatening to rise up and overcome while he holds together. "Ah called. An' called again. An' called again…an' this man picked up an' started threatenin' me." Jay explains gently, his brow lift slightly, and for some weird reason, a tiny smile curves the edges of his mouth.
*
Kai closes his eyes and hugs Jay with a fretful, "Come here." Human (ish) contact is good, right? It always has helped Kai, anyway. He's mindful of the wings but doesn't necessarily shy from them. What's he supposed to say, don't be sad? Does that ever work? So he just hugs his friend close for a long moment. "That sounds like Loki," he say with a fond sigh and a trill of laughter in his voice. "He's just like that."
*
Jay shifts closer, and if not for the fact that he was just told his friend is dead (dying) and /going away/, then for the fact that everything else in his life right now is also making him /ache/ in weird and unfamiliar ways. Carefully slipping his arm around Kai's shoulders, Jay sniffs and holds on tight; wings twitch if touched, veering away a little bit, but at the moment it's the last thing really on his mind as the sensitive extra limbs rest behind him on the tangled bed. He's not afraid of contact, which may be an oddity, but there's a /safety/ in Kai. So Jay comes close and comfortable. "Okay, honestly, Ah thought he maght be yer brother or maybe yer dad? Ah dunno, but he sounded /so/ anxious that you weren't around," Jay explains with an embarrassed blush touching his cheeks. "He gave me the address an' Ah came by. Kevin was a wreck, so Ah came by and …well, Ah met him." Big, guileless green eyes, deep and rich as soft grass, no envious streak in them to be seen, peer gently into Kai's sweet, watery blues, all cried out. Jay whispers, "Ah didn't know…"
*
Kai murmurs, "No, he's not my brother." He gives Jay a squeeze, then withdraws enough that he can look at the winged youth. There's a safety in Jay as well. He's no Norn or Vanir or cad. "I love Loki," he says, unashamed, though his voice aches. The next time he sees his beloved, it will be to lure him into Hel. He gazes back at Jay, and those big blues are luminous with sorrow. "I was taken by the Wild Hunt. They grabbed me because I'm Ljosalfar." He shakes his head, dismissing the explanation upon giving it. What does Jay need to know of the Nine Realms when the one he's in has enough complications? "I want you to take care of Kevin," he says, "if you want to. He likes you."
*
The bold admission is somewhat uncomfortable for Jay to hear outright, but he will not flee. He may shift some, his bare feet rubbing awkwardly together curled on the bed. Gaze flickers and cheeks remain pink while his wings try to stretch and shift in kind, pinned behind him. Quietly, he admits, "Ah know you do…" The admission is more than just that; it is /acceptance/. It is not an ardent 'you just haven't found the right girl' or 'that's the wrong choice'. Jay whispers those words like a prayer and his whole body reacts instantaneously with an ache vitally similar to Kai's. Like an echo. Jay's eyes close for a lengthy moment, breathing around terrible misery which compresses his chest and wraps spindled fingers around his throat.
The rest…? Yes, the rest is given a note of confusion as Jay wills himself to look back up to his friend; eyes glossy as the realization of 'Kai is leaving' 'Kai is dying' starts to settle into his bones. Confusion, then frustrated shame, the youth's brows knit together and eyes slam shut again. "Ah'm… so tired of not understandin' anythin'. Nothin'…makin' sense." Frustration makes his teeth grit, the fine muscles in Jay's jaw work around, visible and delicate as a dam of saline leaks quietly, welling along the bridge of his nose. Jay sniffs. "Shut up, Ah gotta…Ah gotta tell you. Ah promised Ah'd tell you." gentle fingers tighten upon the nape of Kai's neck, strong, though the young man in possession of them seems to struggle to breathe briefly, exhaling a hard puff of air between his lips and sucking another in, trying to will the tightness in his chest away in a stubborn breath. A swell of emotion he's been staving off for a while trying to bash its way against that dam.
*
Kai's heartbeat lurches in his veins, suddenly pulsing quite quickly. Even what his mind has blocked out from his time with the dark elves, his body remembers. That grip causes him to go very still, his gaze locked on Jay's. If he ever wanted a docile elf, he's just acquired one. "Tell me," he whispers. "Please, whatever it is, I'll be quiet." In the dim bedroom light, the silvery netting on his shoulders gleams.
*
Sniffing again, Jay understands that /something/ isn't quite correct in that reaction, but he takes the opportunity at face value, whispering softly into the twilight settled around them, broken only by the hanging glint of that netting Jay is trying very, very hard to ignore. Bright green eyes shine, clear and brushed with tears he tries ardently not to shedlosing that battle,"Ah met him. An' he told me it was his fault. An' he was gonna get you. An' if he didn't" Jay stumbles, his body recoiling as the breath is pressed hard from his lungs out of grief while an entire tunnel comes collapsing downward. Feathers askew and a mess, stretched and shaking, irritated with the state of their bearer, Jay sets his resolve and tries again.
"He said, if he didn't come back, Ah was t'tell you that he did love you. And it was worth it. And he was sorry." A pair of fully fledged tears fall sideways and askew from him, one then the other in quick succession, barely able to whisper the words 'worth it' without his mouth tremoring in peculiar ways, pressing his lips together tightly afterward and swallowing down his grief. Seeing his friend going through something he so vividly still feels each day, the selfish coming loss, having to give him that message and /admit/ that perhaps Loki isn't coming back…it was all awful. All of it.
*
Fat crystalline tears roll down Kai's cheeks. "Oh, Jay," he says, his voice trembling. "He'll be back. There's no stopping him; he's a force of nature. I hope I get to see him at least one last time. I'm going to write him a letter." He tries a tremulous smile, but all it does is make his lower lip quiver. "I didn't want to tell you," he admits, "because I didn't want to bring all this down on you, but I thought it would be unfair to just leave again and you'd never know."
*
A miserable, tiny smile flickers over Jay's mouth. "Ah hope yer raght." The fingers hooked around the nape of Kai's neck relax slowly bit by bit, his joints practically squeaking with it. "Ah…" sigh. "Ah appreciate you sayin' somethin'. Though…Ah don't really..munderstand.". Isn't that just the theme of his universe right now? Trying so hard to understand and being so laughably out of his depth. Fingers relax further and reach up to swipe away tears off Kai's cheek. " Is…there really nothin' else?" How many times have people said those very words of loved ones to a doctor? Whether here in an apartment or in the ER, the question is heartbreaking.
*
Kai lowers his gaze, his lashes clinging together from tears. Very quietly, he says, "There are some people who have decided they're going to try to intervene. Loki is himself a being of some power." He's abandoned beat speak, alas. He speaks like a proper elf. Grandmother would be so proud. Well, she's be slightly less disdainful. "I'm preparing for the worst, but there are those who haven't given up hope."
*
Jay wants to let tiny candle flames of hope take light in him when he hears others are trying to help. He wants to feel some sort of optimism for something. He sniffs and nods slowly, then scoffs, his voice thick with sorrow, but cannot help but toss a thin smile out as he speaks, "No kiddin'. Th' guy flicked his hands an' was jus' /gone/." Weird shit he never thought he'd be saying. Jay sniffs again, his eyes tracing along Kai's shoulder, fingers slipping curiously toward that silvery glinting veil. "Ah'm sorry…Ah know Ah ain't any use." Which is crushing, to feel so helpless over a friend's serious situation.
*
"You've been a saving grace, Jay," Kai says. "You took care of Kevin for me, and my apartment. You've been taking such good care of me." He smiles a little, and he strokes Jay's cheek. "I'd be going mental if you weren't here. Can you imagine going through this alone?"
*
Slightly gratified at what /little/ he can do being appreciated, Jay almost smiles against the hand on his cheek. Almost. In utter seriousness, the young man's expression seems to grow more tired. "Yes," the word like a stone. He tries to soften it with more words. "Ah can."
*
Kai's features pinch with grief, and he hugs Jay close again. "Oh, Jay. I'm so sorry." He sniffles, then laughs a little, helplessly, and he lies back. "Just be here. You'll be my hero." He rummages amidst the blankets, trying to straighten them out. "Will you sleep here tonight? I promise it's nothing weird. I just don't think we should be alone tonight."
*
Clutched closely, Jay forgets that silvery slip of light and flings an arm around Kai's tattooed back as well, squeezing him tightly with perhaps a bit more strength than may be expected. A quick brush of sound as his wings move around, trying to stretch around and 'hold' upon the other man as well. Stunted by his shirt, they only manage to twist up a little bit before resting flat again. Upon release, the young man's eyes are downcast, a maudlin curve of a smile on his lips. "Jus'…gotta try t' be there, raght?". He throws back to that bit of wisdom Kai shared with him when they were talking about wanting to do more for people in trouble. For some reason, this sends another surge of grief through the young mutant, his smile stretching and turning brittle for a moment. "Yeah. Ah'll stay." He shrugs and shakes his head. "Yer in love. Ah know better than t'think it's anythin' funny." He sniffs and flicks his eyes up to Kai again, briefly, tugging at his pillow some more. "Yer the whole reason Ah know it's even possible…fer a man t'love 'nother man…" Jay whispers, embarrassed, awkward, the thought /still/ in some twisting inner conflict with his core values. "Ah can hear it. In yer voice."
*
Kai tries to huddle within the circle of the wings trying to curl around him. The poor things, bound as they are, just want to be free. Is that so wrong? The pillow is relinquished, and he slides in closer. "You're the one who showed up when I needed you most," he says with a sad smile. Then he insinuates himself so that his head comes to rest on Jay's shoulder. He's got decades of experience manipulating cuddles to his advantage. "When I was a soldier, we used to huddle like this together and no one thought anything of it. It would get so cold it was life or death, and you never knew when your best mate would be dead on the morrow." He sniffles, then adds, "And we're at war with grief, so this is only proper."
Even in this state, he can't help smiling softly when his love of Loki is mentioned. "Whatever happens, he saved me. I didn't know I was even capable of feeling like this." He closes his eyes, and his voice already becomes thick with impending slumber. He's cried himself into exhaustion, such is fear and grief. "Don't be sad Jay," he mumbles. "Everything works out." For someone, maybe just not them.
*
Jay shimmies as Kai straightens himself out some, a short grunt and shuffle from Jay as well as he gets comfortable; stripping off his pants and overshirt. He sighs with relief when his wings are let free, rolling both his shoulders back one after another to stretch them out. Dinner long forgotten, and Kevin's walk will have to wait for tomorrow, Jay leans back carefully and helps carefully tuck Kai into the crook of one arm. Protective. The small anecdote interesting and absorbed, but uncommented on but for a nod while Jay scoops his free hand through curly hair, smoothing it back from Kai's face. "Mah little brother, Lewis used t'get nightmares an' drop int' bed with me. Ah'd hold onto him all night if Ah had to." different from life or death, but not to a seven year old.
Quiet for a long, pregnant moment, the weighty veil of night sinking in. Jay whispers back,"Ah'm gonna be sad anyway." Squeezing the body curled in his arm, though it's just a sad matter of fact regardless of that understanding. If this all comes apart tomorrow, someone would still be sad for Kai. A lot of someones, likely. But Jay, among them.