1965-03-12 - Staggering Revelations
Summary: Elmo and Kai talk over cookies and whiskey.
Related: If there are no related logs, put 'None', — please don't leave blank!
Theme Song: None
elmo kai 

Elmo got a phone call: come keep Kai company. Apparently he can't survive being left alone at all. When Elmo gets there the dog greets him at the door, waddling and wiggling and wuffing. Kai has already set on the coffee table two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. There's also cookies for snacking. He's quite the host.

Elmo has brought a special treat for tubby little dogs: a strip of tough dried cow part. He offers this to Kevin. That dog has him and Kai well trained. For Kai, he's brought a bottle of bitters. Hey, they do a lot of drinking. "Kainka, how you doin, tateleh?" he greets Kai, in a positively effusive manner.

The tubby little dog takes the treat happily and carries it to his favorite spot under one of the chairs. Still wagging, he settles down with the treat between his paws and starts in on giving it a really good chew. Kai takes the bottle of bitters and kisses Elmo on the cheek. It's a cultural thing. "Come in! Come in! Thank you. I'm doing great. How have you been? I'm still reeling from the zap you gave that one chick."

Elmo suffers the kiss with admirable tolerance, even patting Kai on the cheek like JP does to him all the time—without as much aggression as the Cajun, though. "I saw Jay, I saw Lindon, I'm doin' great." Oh, that's why he's in such a good mood. He grins, a mix of sheepish and devilish, about exploding that mysterious device the other night. "Hah! I couldn't believe that worked so well. I was just tryin' to fry its circuit board, not explode the thing. Pretty impressive, if I say so myself." Yeah, he's proud of that. Elmo, the guy you go to when you need someone's villainous machinery shut down.

Kai grins broadly. "Good for you," he says. Elmo can count on Kai to approve of his new lifestyle. After all, look at Elmo's mood! It can't be wrong. "It was so groovy, man. I knew you could do it, but seeing it in action was great." He comes over to the couch and sets the bottle of bitters on the coffee table. Then he pours two glasses of whiskey. "You are now officially cooler than I am," he says.

"Feh," Elmo says grandly. "In what universe, please?" But he knows Kai's flattering him and he's basking a little. "I had no idea you could dance like that. It was somethin' else. You and that cute Native American lady looked spectacular together." He follows Kai over to booze and cookies. Elves know how to live.

Not one for false modesty, Kai says, "I never danced for you? Yeah, I've been dancing since I figured out what legs are for." He offers one of the glasses over to Elmo, and the plate of cookies is nudged his way. "If you dip the cookies in the whiskey, it's delicious," he says. "I wish I knew who that lady was. She was a lot of fun. I can't believe we were getting some kids drunk."

Elmo agrees, "She's so pretty," a little wistfully. "That hair." He's not crushing out a bit over a woman he met briefly and then exploded something in front of, or anything. Why do you ask? "Dip 'em in whiskey, huh?" Well, what the hell—he does it. It's a little messy as the cookie breaks off like a sugary iceberg and goes plunk in the glass. Elmo has to fish it out.

Kai watches Elmo in silent yet kind judgement. "Just dip a little," he says, after the fact. He demonstrates, dipping just a little of the cookie, then taking a nibble. "Mmm. You should've gotten her number." Sure, Elmo's not crushing. Sure. "If I see her again I'll give her yours."

Elmo gives Kai a great roll of the eyes and unselfconsciously licks whiskey off his fingers. "I'm sure she's gonna be real interested in some short dweeb with two guys already. Three if we count JP, which I dunno if we do. Speaking of which, I gotta mention, we hired this guy named Arlo? Kid's as queer as a three-dollar bill and has no idea. Was I like that?" Hard to believe!

Kai nods as he says, "Yeah, you were. It was pretty entertaining. Don't worry, someone will come along and put their hand down his trousers, then he'll figure it out." As if this is the natural order of things, and Kai isn't one to question. "At least there's a community here. I can't imagine being queer in somewhere like Wisconsin."

Elmo sighs, put-upon, and only blushes a moderate amount. He's come so far! "He's interested in a cop, for cryin' out loud. Anyway, not my problem. Well. Kind of my problem. I already told him cops are trouble, the bad kind, not that he's gonna listen." He sips the cookie-laced whiskey. "Whatever, I wouldn't listen to me either."

Kai wrinkles his nose. "A cop?" Elmo might as well have said an armchair. Even if the armchair's attractive, just no. He shakes his head. "After his first arrest, he won't make that mistake again." He then tells Elmo, solemnly, "I would listen to you and probably discount what you say, except you like Loki, so we're in agreement."

Elmo shrugs one shoulder, lofting his eyebrows. "I do like him. You n' me, we both got great taste in men." It's odd, maybe, him acting so assured. He never used to be like this. "He's terrifying, but I like him."

Kai's features go all soft as he says, "Yeah, he is." Kai never changes in some ways. Mention Loki's name and one can practically see his pupils turn into hearts. "I like this new you," he says. "You're coming into your own, and that's something I always wanted for you. I made a few decisions about my own life, too."

Elmo waves a hand, dismissive about himself. He hates when Kai attempts to observe something about him. He's interested, though, in Kai's decisions. "Yeah? Like what?"

Which is of course why Kai makes observations. Elmo's responses are great. "This whole aura of prey thing, you know? It's been, like, demeaning. I've hated it, because it makes me think, like, I'm weak. Something to be chased down and harassed and just… bleh." He pulls a face. Bleh! "But I started talking to Lambert about it."

Elmo nods sympathetically. "That thing those dark elves did to you, makes Morbius get all red eyed when he sees ya? Bert's kind of prey too, isn't he? Except ain't nobody gonna prey on him. What'd he have to say?" He's always interested in what Lambert has to say. Lambert says amazing stuff.

"That's what I was thinking," Kai says. "He's prey too, but no one preys on him. He's strong, and I'm strong. We got to talking, and it was like I don't have to be a mouse, I could be a stag. They're powerful and noble, they lead their herd, and even though they get hunted, they're respected, and it takes an effort to bring one down."

Elmo lights up. "A stag, yeah! You could be a stag. That's you, all flashy and showoffy, right?" He grins, teasing, but fond. "…Can you do that? I thought it was kind of a curse, something like that. How can you change it?"

"I can't change the curse," Kai says, "but I can change how I think of it, and how I frame myself. I don't have to give up my dignity because people want to eat me. I mean they do have to catch me first, and I can punch most of them through walls. Stags are dangerous, too. So I'm going to think of myself like a stag."

"I guess they gotta be dangerous, with the antlers," Elmo says, theorizing. He saw a stag on TV once. "Morbius couldn't really hurt you, could he? All those shvantzes botherin' you on the street, they're no problem for you, that's for sure."

"Yeah, mortals are no real challenge," Kai says. "Unless they get me point blank with a gun, that would sting." He drinks, and he thinks. "I don't know how powerful Dr. Morbius is. I can blind just about anyone, though, and that cramps their style. I wouldn't ever want to hurt him."

"Hey, remember when you threw that guy half a football field?" Elmo smiles brilliantly at the memory. "That was a real stag kinda thing to do. You even walked different, a little. Like you just had enough and you were gonna make an example of that guy. Scared me to death, I didn't know how tough you were." About Morbius, he makes a noncommittal noise and sips his whiskey. "Morbius is pretty tough, as far as I know, but I don't think you could hurt him that easy. Unless you sleep with his boyfriend. That, he gets hurt over."

"Which time?" Kai asks. He grins because Elmo's smiling, and that puts him in a good mood. "I remember that night, that guy from in front of the cafe? Yeah, he had it coming." He tops off their whiskey glasses. "I won't sleep with Dr. Morbius' boyfriend. Not unless he leaves me no choice."

"That guy. What a putz," Elmo says, disgusted with the guy. "I know he wasn't the only one. I like to think they don't mess with nobody after they try it with you and you trounce 'em."

"Let's hope so," Kai says. "I hope they at least think twice because maybe that skinny little queer guy will wipe the floor with them." He frowns. "You know, it just gets me. I can't stand watching bigger people picking on smaller ones. You want to do honorable battle? That's great. There's nothing noble about victimizing someone you should be protecting."

Elmo's making decent progress into getting sauced. Kai's immune, but he sure isn't, and he also weighs 120lbs soaking wet. "That's what my team's doin'," he says, intently looking at Kai. "Going after those types. Straighten 'em out. It's a mitzvah for the people who get hurt by 'em." A blessing, a good deed. "Okay, not exactly a mitzvah, they're supposed to be within the law. You know what I mean."

"I think it's great," Kai says. "It's kind of what my team does, too. We go after the gangs in Hell's Kitchen and Harlem. They're out of control, and it's the little guy who suffers when they can't even be safe on their own streets." He raises his glass. "To our respective teams," he says. "The important thing is we're doing good."

Elmo raises his glass too. "To tikkum olam." The Allspeech translates that as 'repairing the world.' "Comforting the afflicted, afflictin' the comfortable. And rescuing weird crystal kittens."

Kai clinks his glass to Elmo, and he grins just a little wildly. Yessss, afflicting the comfortable. Never mind he lives in a posh, Upper West Side place, himself. The money for it was ill gotten okay? "They were so cute, weren't they?" Kai says. "They just wanted to dance and have a good time. What do you think that woman was going to do with them?"

"Maybe I was a little worried," Elmo admits, "but yeah. They were real cute. One of 'em tapped me and I got kinda high." The 'kids' had dumped their drunkenness on everybody. "I dunno what that device was supposed to do. Didn't take time to check it out, just popped it." His grin gets a little wild, too. "Capture them somehow, though, I think. Like the most exotic pet ever."

"Me, too," Kai says. "Best 'thank you' I could've asked for." For him, it's a rare gift! "I was afraid it would, like, make noise at a frequency that would break them. You can never be too sure with the sickos in this world. Wouldn't that have been heartbreaking? Their poor parents. You're a real hero, Elmo."

Elmo gets flushed, waving Kai off. "Nah, c'mon. You guys were all working on it, too. I just happened to have the right mutation, you know?" You'd think Kai had called him something unpleasant.

"And the impetus to use it at the right time," Kai says. Oh how he loves flustering Elmo, and praise is the best way. "You're a good guy, and you saved little crystal kids' lives." The he utters a bubbly laugh. "You really laid that lady out, though."

Elmo winces, looking guilty, but reluctantly laughs. "Yeah. Didn't mean to, but kinda serves her right, don't it? Anyway it was T'Challa threw a champagne glass at her, that wasn't me!"

"Yeah, he beaned her really well," Kai says with approval. "He's a good guy to have on your side. I wish I had that kind of aim. I mean I'm no slouch, but that was just a perfect throw." He has no sympathy for the poor woman. None. She was trying to hurt crystal kittens. "Anyway, good team work."

"Good team work," Elmo confirms. After a moment of looking thoughtful, he says, "T'Challa's so hot," and covers his eyes, blushing. "And that bodyguard of his, oy vey, they make women like that in Wakanda? When can we go?"

Kai's eyes widen. "So hot," he agrees. "And his bodyguard! I'm not even attracted to women and I would've let her do anything she wanted. We should try to become ambassadors. Do you need an education for that, or can they just declare you one? I mean technically, given I'm the only Alfheimian I know about on Earth, I'm kind of our only representative. I could argue that I'm the Alfheimian delegation to Wakanda."

Elmo finds this hilarious, laughing into the hand he's got covering his face. "I mean, what's the worst that can happen? He looks at you and you wish you'd never been born? You wouldn't feel that. I guess you got nothing to lose."

"I would feel like 'if I weren't married…'" Kai says. He gets a distant look in his eye, that of a man thinking fond thoughts about elsewhere and elsewhen. "I'm going to go for it. I'm going to tell him I'm Alfheim's Ambassador on Earth and offer my services as the sole member of the Alfheimian delegation."

Elmo laughs harder, sagging back on the couch. "God, Kai. Fine. Gey gezunterhayt." 'Go in good health'. "And when it all goes horribly wrong, don't come cryin' back to me!"

"It can't go wrong!" Kai says. "That's the beauty of it. There's no one here who can say I'm not. Tell you what, I'll hire you as my staff so we can check out those Wakandan beauties together. We'll go in winter when it's miserable and cold here."

Elmo groans. "Fine, but I'm tellin' ya. It's gonna go wrong." There's that Jewish optimism his people are famed for. "What're my duties as your staff? Drinking?"

Kai shakes his head. "It'll be fine. My duties are representing my people well. Which! I do." He tops off their glasses, still quite sober. "I'm merry, I'm kind, I like music and dancing. I believe in working hard and playing harder. Politically, I defer to Asgard because it otherwise gets in the way of my partying. I'm a perfect elf."

"Can't argue with that," Elmo says, eyeing the liquor as it refills his glass. "The perfect elf stands before me. Kai, I know you can't get drunk, but I'm already there. Go easy on the stuff, willya?"

"I cannot promise I will do that," Kai says, laying his hand over his heart. He does put the bottle down, though. "At least it's just normal, mortal whiskey. The stuff Lambert serves, mead of the gods, that stuff makes me cross-eyed. Hey! That's another reason I'm a good delegate. I can drink socially and not get drunk."

Elmo says, "I kinda want to try it, but I'm pretty sure I'd ruin all my relationships at once if I did." He grins lopsidedly up at Kai. "Yeah, okay, I'm convinced. You're already more qualified than most human ambassadors, far as I'm concerned."

Kai smiles benevolently and raises his glass to Elmo. Yes. Yes he is. "I've already had a proper training in Alfheim how to be a noble lord. I'm the scion of a minor House there. My grandmother made me learn all the trappings." He sits up a little taller, lifts his chin, and says, "I can behave like a proper member of society when called upon so to do." So snooty.

Elmo snorts. "You don't fool me. You're a reprobate." He gets another cookie and manages to do it right this time, despite being significantly drunker. He's one of those people whose manual dexterity just seems to get better when they start drinking. Probably from less anxiety.

"I'm versatile," Kai says. He pulls a face, though. "She made me learn which forks to use, how to serve wine, how to greet dozens of different types of social class, how to dress." He slouches against Elmo. "Ugh, it was awful. She wants me to marry a noble girl and have an heir, too. Boy do I have bad news for her."

"That does sound real boring," Elmo says, putting his arm around Kai affectionately. The booze dulls down his touch sensitivity. Sometimes. Sometimes it amps it way up. "I can see why you ran off to join the Revolutionary War and whatever. Hah, she's gonna have to find out sooner or later you're married to Loki. Are you gonna film it? I wanna see it."

Kai leans in against Elmo. He's a tactile fellow, and friends are for leaning on, apparently. "I should." Kai says. "Show you the expression on her face. One of the reasons I want my parents out of prison is so they can have another kid. Hopefully a little brother I can dump all this on. It's not too late."

Elmo is startled by that and coughs on the whiskey, jostling Kai. "You're kidding, that's not why you want your parents out of prison. Aren't you? You're kidding, right?" He's only half kidding himself, as he wipes his watering eyes.

"What, is that so wrong?" Kai says. "I mean sure, it'd be nice to see them again, but let's focus on what's important: procreate me out of this mess." His eyes are twinkling with glee, and it's possible, just maybe, that he's messing with an unfortunate, drunk Elmo.

Elmo sets down the glass to cover his face again. "You do this to me on purpose," he accuses. "Say outrageous stuff just so I'll get worked up about it. I'm on to you!"

Kai laughs and leans back, finishing off his third glass of whiskey like it's water. "You have to admit," he says, "It would solve a lot of problems. Gran could wreck that kid's life and let me live with my god-husband on Earth without grief. Everyone would be happy, except maybe my mum and da."

"You never want kids?" Elmo asks, tone more curious and less annoyed. "I mean, I checked out this book on Loki. He's got kids, it says. He's done the craziest stuff to get 'em. I'd think he'd want kids with you. If he managed to get pregnant by random animals and monsters, surely you can knock him up."

"Can you imagine me being a parent?" Kai says. "What do you even feed kids?" He lifts a finger and adds, "A lot of those stories are exaggerations. That horse thing never happened." There, he's defended his man. "If he wants to have kids, I'll do it. But can you imagine? That kid's going to grow up weird."

Elmo obviously suppresses saying something about the horse thing. "Mmkay," he says instead, eyes glinting. "Never happened." We'll all agree it never happened. "Aww, tateleh, that kid would grow up loved. Weird, but loved."

Kai thinks about it, and he nods slowly. "If I had a child with Loki, I may not know what to do with it, but I would kill anyone who even thought of looking at it funny. And you have to admit, it'd be beautiful. But what if it's a sorcerer like he is! I'd be outnumbered."

"You'd figure it out, a smart boy like you," Elmo says, ribbing Kai. "Yeah, I bet they'd be a wizard like him. All his other kids came out powerful, right?" Which we all agreed never happened. "And they'd be so beautiful. Your looks and his? They'd be a galaxy-class heartbreaker."

"I should ask him," Kai says. "If he ever wants to have kids. See, I don't think he actually has any? Because… okay, you know gods are wonky, right? So, like, he died, but the Bifrost pulled another version out of… out of time I guess? Because he's younger than he was. Lots of stuff that happened never happened. So he may or may not have children, if that makes sense."

That gives Elmo something to think about, all right. Boozed up, he seems to think faster than sober. Get rid of that anxiety and things happen. "That kinda makes sense. Like that cat in the box, right? You don't know if it's alive or dead until you look, so it is alive and dead at the same time. I think that's right, anyway. So maybe he does and doesn't at the same time? But we dunno for sure, is what you're saying."

"We won't know til we ask," Kai says. "In the meantime I do and don't have stepchildren. I never thought about that," he admits. "I've never met any of his children. Maybe he doesn't want them?" He considers, then says, "I'll go along with whatever he wants. It's a lot of responsibility trying to get them to adulthood without dying."

Elmo makes a sound of contention. "Kainka, you do what he wants all the time." He actually touches Kai's chin, bringing him around to meet his eyes. "You oughta do what you want, too. If you don't want kids, don't have 'em. It's your kid too, yannow?"

"I like the stuff he likes," Kai insists. "Besides, you've sold me in the idea. I'd have a kid if he wanted to, but if he didn't want to, it would kind of be unfair, don't you think?" He nudges Elmo with a fingertip. "So what if I'm subservient. Tell me you don't look at that face and want to say 'command me.'"

Elmo smiles, giving in. "Okay. Hey, it's your marriage." At that, though, he gets an odd expression. "Uh, well. No, actually, that's not what I want to say when I look at him." He turns alarmingly red.

Kai's brows lift. "Okay, now you're telling me what you want to tell him when you look at him," he says with a sudden wicked smile. "Then tell me what you'll give me to keep from telling him."

"I am not doing either of those things," Elmo informs Kai, summoning up a glare to bestow upon him. Then he immediately follows it up with, "Okay I want to command him, okay?" Then has another drink, because what he needs in this conversation is to be more smashed, clearly.

Kai perks up, just like a kid who has come downstairs on Christmas to find that pony he's always wanted. Clasping his hands together, he says, "Elmo! You cad!" Utter delight. "Oh, oh, oh you should try this sometime but only when I'm around to see."

Elmo shakes his head vigorously. "I want to live, Kai! I don't wanna spend the rest of my life as a stinkbug or something, what would I tell my ma? No way!"

"I wouldn't let him do anything permanent to you," Kai says. "Where's your sense of adventure? Have you thought about me at all? And how amusing this would be for me?" He shakes his head. And here he thought Elmo was a friend.

Elmo grimaces. "You know, I don't wanna command him to drive me to the store or something." He's flaming red. He's not saying this, except he is. "Maybe neither of you would find that so entertaining."

Kai considers Elmo, and finally he has mercy. He slings an arm around him and says, "You don't have to do that, then. Even if I do owe him for telling Lambert how to seduce me. I'll find someone else to exploit." Pat pat on Elmo's shoulder. There there.

That doesn't cool down Elmo's face at all. Now he's thinking about it! "I'd feel like a real prick, I gotta be honest. You guys are so loyal to each other, and…yeah, it'd feel bad. And he and me still are gonna go on a date, apparently, so that'd make it really weird." He half-grins at Kai, apologetically. "I'm ruinin' your fun again."

"You provide multiple layers of fun," Kai says soothingly. "Like right now I'm super amused. You gotta tell me how that date goes." So loyal, and yet there's no jealousy here. Maybe he trusts Loki (and Elmo) just that much. "Maybe he'll take you to Alfheim, or Asgard, or some other world with a fantastic restaurant."

"I saw you turn down Bert when he was ready to go. That took guts, yannow? I don't wanna do anything that might mess with you guys." Elmo might be giving himself too much credit here, but he does think of things on a human scale, after all. "I hope so," he says, looking like he means it. "I really wanna go to another planet. …Just as long as he brings me back, too."

"I bet he'll take you somewhere fun," Kai says. Then again, what Kai considers fun is open to interpretation. He smiles fondly at Elmo. "I know you don't want to mess up anything. You won't. If it was anyone else I might think better of it, but you're you."

Elmo's about to say something, when what Kai just said really sinks in. It makes him stop, and look at Kai with a pleased, puzzled sort of expression. And what can he say to that? He doesn't know, in the least. So he nudges Kai instead, and returns that smile.

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