1965-04-06 - Maenad To Order
Summary: Elmo meeds Lambert's father. It goes about as well as can be expected.
Related: None
Theme Song: None
kai elmo lambert 

It's another rockin' night at Saganaki. The restaurant proper is packed. Out here in the courtyard, things are a lot more relaxed. There's a mutant couple at a secluded table, talking quietly over their appetizers. That's it for company. Lambert's probably in the kitchen. Probably. Maybe not. Either way, there's a waiter out here helping people. He comes out of the kitchen with a platter containing two plates. He wields it with the ease of practice. He serves the two plates to the reclusive couple. He's got a familiar gait, and while circumstance has kept his face hidden, there's a glimpse of golden hair and a slanted ear.

Elmo shows up, threading his way through the packed restaurant to the courtyard. It's lucky for him he's small. He's dressed up, in his three-piece, because he's been wearing mechanic clothes way too much lately, and has a book. DUNE is written on the cover. The "waiter" has posture and body language that he immediately twigs as familiar, but then dismisses it because why would Kai be serving people at Lambert's restaurant? That don't make no sense.

It really doesn't but then the waiter turns to Elmo, and it is Kai, down to the perky smile when he sees who's there. "Elmo! Take a seat. I'll grab you a menu." He's even in a work uniform. He grabs a menu and brings it over. "How's it going, man? I haven't seen you in a little while. Still working on that garage?"

Elmo spreads his hands at Kai (one holding DUNE), totally bemused. "Kai, what are you doing? Does Bert know?" This must be a trick.

"He figured it out the first day I started," Kai says. "Now he just lets me do it. Our specials today are dolmas with roasted peppers, and lamb giouvetsi. Today's soup is fasolada. What can I get you started with?" He's just so friendly and comfortable with his paper pad and his apron.

It's been a while since Kai confused Elmo so thoroughly. "I can't believe you," he says, annoyed with Kai for doing such a ridiculous thing, and also amused for the same reason. "Is this you working off all that baklava? I'll have dolmas, please." Now he finally consents to sitting down.

Kai pours Elmo a glass of wine, it's not the stuff that will knock a man dead, but rather a pleasant table red. "You're not wrong," he says. "I missed working, and Lambert gets swamped, and I don't take money or tips for it, but I get to eat all the food I want." He beams. "I used to be a waiter, but I lost my job when I died and didn't show up. Anyway, let me get those dolmas for you."

Elmo folds his arms on the table, still kind of bemused, watching Kai bustle about. "Well, every good artist has to wait tables, too, right?" This is a universal truth in New York. He approves overall, though. He'd meant it when he told Loki off for suggesting he not work sometimes. "Yeah, we're working on it. It's getting there." Which could mean a wide range of things, when he says it.

"That's great," Kai says. Then he goes off for dolmas, and when he returns, he sets the plate before Elmo and doesn't even steal one. He does however go off duty to sit across from Elmo to visit. Whatever, he gets paid in baklava, and he's assigned to the courtyard, which is quiet. "You know, it does make me feel more like an artist to have a day job. I can't believe I actually missed working. Like feeding people. So when are you guys opening up?"

Elmo grins fondly at Kai. "Eh, I dunno. Month or so, maybe? I have this checklist, it just keeps getting longer." He shakes his head at what a foolish venture this is. Whose idea was it, anyway? Oh, right. His.

Kai is in his waiter's outfit, and he's been on duty in the courtyard, though there's only one other couple, and they're well into their meal. So he's sitting down at Elmo's table, where he has delivered the day's special: dolmas. He's not even nipping one for himself. "I think it's a worthy endeavor," he tells Elmo. "People will always need cars fixed."

There is a bit of a thump and some movement around upstairs in Lambert's flat. From inside, Lambert looks up, frowning lightly, but then his attention goes suddenly yanked over to a tall older man and his companion coming in. For those who read the local newspaper…this is a restaurant reviewer, Dayle Quimby. Known for making or breaking a restaurant. With a startled noise, Lambert is suddenly sending out Marcy to seat him away from the kitchen and courtyard, and muttering in her ear about the changes to the specials. Lambert looks suddenly _very_ busy.

Upstairs in the flat is an odd noise, and a vague "…damn." in heavily accented English.

"And JP will always need keepin' outta trouble," Elmo says. Things happen and Lambert suddenly looks even busier, and anxious. He barely knows restaurant reviewers are a thing, so the reason why escapes him. "Bert okay in there?" he asks Kai, a little concerned.

Kai glances over and says to Lambert, "Do you need me inside?" Does Bert dare expose Dayle Quimby to Kai? He is a pretty good waiter. But he's also an elf. He starts to get up just in case Lambert needs the extra help. Stray waiter has decided this is his restaurant.

Lambert ducks his head out briefly and says to Elmo "Keep Kai out here!" Oh dear. Well, that answers _that_. Lambert is bad enough, with his goaty features, and while he will never begrudge the use of the back area? He has the realities of New York to attend to. At the noises above, Lambert now orders Kai "Keep my dad _up there_. For the love of Dionysis, don't let him leave the house. Just take Elmo up there - fast!" And now he is quickly adjusting his chef's hat, hiding his tail, and ducking back into the restaurant. Some things, one cannot risk.

Elmo snickers. "Guess you're stayin' out here, tateleh," he says to Kai. But then Bert orders Kai to keep HIM (and his dad, but let's be real, also him) under wraps. "Uh," he says, not at all sure about this part. "Okay?"

"Your meal's on the house," Kai tells Elmo. He salutes Lambert lazily. "I'll batten down the hatches, captain." Then he gestures for Elmo to follow him. How bad can a half-satyr be? Kai's fought trolls, yo. "I think you're my chaperone," he tells Elmo.


Leaving Lambert to try to butter up a restaurant critic downstairs, they can ascend to the private residence of Saganaki. Perhaps uncomfortably for Elmo, there are no electronic devices up here save a battery powered radio. Even the water is heated downstairs. There are no cooking facilities - presumably he uses the kitchen. And right now there is someone in the living room hitting that radio with a big fist.

The man there looks lot like Lambert, though he has curling ram's horns which sweep to either side of his head. His hair is dark, where Lambert's is almost white. But the brown goatish eyes are the same, and the elfin ears are even longer. He is over a foot taller than Lambert, and perhaps horribly looks roughly the same age due to the effects of satyr blood slowing his aging. He is wearing a tanktop and shorts, a longer goat tail protruding, and he has hooves. And he swearing in Greek at the radio.

"Please, like I want your charity," Elmo says to Kai, good-naturedly. "Bert feeds me all the time, I'm trying to pay him." He follows Kai upstairs. He's never been up here, and although there's a lot of interesting things to look at, the big satyr guy gets all his attention. "Uh, hi?" he says, trying to pretend like he's normal and this is normal and everything is super ultra normal. "Mr. Petropoulos?"

Kai regards the hooved, massive creature that resembles Lambert, and he says, "I don't think the radio could do that with its own mother." To Elmo, he sounds like he's speaking English. To Mr Petropoulos, he sounds like he's speaking Greek. "You must be Lambert's father," he says with an amiable smile. Hello, mythic creature, from another mythic creature.

The creature straightens, and turns to examine them both, before it enquires "Is one of you Lamont?" It then dusts off those big hands, before he, for of course he is Mr. Petropoulos, says "Where is that son of mine? I though tit was time for dinner. And…someone needs to fix this magic. This thing is not working very well!" He shakes his heavy head, before he says admiringly to Kai "Ancient Greek! Goodness! How good! Yes, I am his father. I am here for a little while." He waves an expansive hand "Why don't you both sit down."

Elmo's trying really hard to act like nothing is terrifyingly weird here. And also trying not to stare. Horns, hooves, this guy is the real deal. Compared to him, Bert looks like a cute Disney version of a satyr. "No, I'm Elmo, friend a Bert's. I, uh, I can fix the radio for ya, if it's not working?" Fixing things always helps. He sidles around like he wants to approach the radio but there's a wall of scary-hot satyr dad in the way.

"I'm Hjuki Evyndirson, here called Kai," says Kai. "Elmo's really good at fixing things," he adds. He helps himself over to a chair and sits. "Bertie's slammed," he says. "And there's a food critic downstairs. If you want something to eat, I can bring you whatever you like from the kitchen."

And the grandfather on the wall is hoarier still, a massive old thing of ancient magics. Never mind, because this is a thing that is right before ELmo, right now. He eases down onto the couch and it creaks loudly under his bulk. Everything in here is designed for Bertie, who is no slouch, but Bertie is not the size of this creature. He laughs, a warm voice coming out, and he says "Are you one of his lovers? There was a girl here before, long blonde hair. Squeaky voice. She was." He grins, and his fangs are rather longer than Bertram's, and then he says "What is a food critic? And yes, bread. And other things. Why are most of Bertie's friends male?

Elmo can't even hide how relieved he is to have something to get his hands on and fix. He picks up the radio, flipping it over, is startled into a laugh when Mr. Petropoulos asks that. "No, not me. You, uh. Met a friend of mine who is, though. Lindon." Oh. Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned Lindon. Too late now. He pops the battery out of the radio, charges it, and replaces it.

Kai gets to his feet again and says, "I'll bring you a spread." He grins at Elmo and says, "I'm just nipping down to the kitchen. Don't worry, I won't get into any trouble." It's not himself he should be worried about. He trundles out of the apartment, leaving Elmo alone with the satyrkin.

Mr. Petropolous tilts his head, and he says "Huh. Oh. Yes, I did." He strokes the goatee he has idly, watching Elmo work away, and he then eyes Kai, and as he leaves, he says to Elmo "Is that a…a wood spirit? No, a frost spirit? It is a spirit, though." And finally he sniffs a little, and he says dryly "My son has so many nice friends around. I mean, not _quite_ as many as I think would be wise. Not a full herd. But he definitely needs a few more females around. What kind of life would it be without the enjoyment of the fairer sex!"

Elmo tests the radio. It works. Maybe it's happy to be in the hands of someone who understands it. Or maybe its battery was just low. Whatever, now it has a little sliver of the electricity he carries around in his mutation. "There ya go." He sets it back down. Only to realize Kai left. He was supposed to keep Kai up here. Rats. "Kai's an elf. From the moon. I think." Kai's mythic heritage is always mysterious to him. He knows Kai as a beatnik-turned-mod who paints and likes to tease him. "He glows. How many goes in a herd?" he asks, groping desperately after something to say.

"The moon?" says father, staring up at the ceiling as if he could see it for a moment, and then his slow gaze returns back down. He wrinkles his nose, looking out as Kai heads off with elfin swiftness, before he moves to sit next to Elmo. He reaches out for the radio "How do you make it make the music again?" asks the older satyr "Lambert left it with me, but I do not know how to work it." He hrufs, through his nose, and then he tilts his head "At least three,"says the big man "But preferably more. It helps everyone have someone they can rely on." He frowns a little, looking around. There _is_ an absence of the softer touch here. After a moment, he moves back and picks up what looks like a switch with a pinecone topping it. The big monster offers it across to Elmo.

"Bert has Lindon, Lamont, and Morbius, that's three," Elmo says, helpfully. He's helping! "Here, turn this knob. It makes the red bar there go across the stations. The stations are in the air, it tells the radio which one you want to hear. Turn this for louder or softer." The fact that a grown man…satyr…doesn't know how to work a radio doesn't seem to strike him as weird at all. He just explains it. Hey, it's not his job to figure out if people know how to use radios or not. Mr. Petropolous is offering him a branch with a pine cone? He takes it. "Thanks?" he tries.

Kai can be heard in the courtyard, calling back to the kitchen, "I got it taken care of, don't sweat it." Then his footfalls are on the stairs, and the scent of roasted lamb permeates the air. Whatever's about to happen, he's walking right into it carrying a variety of meat, roasted vegetables, breads, cheeses, and a bottle of strong wine.

"I was going to offer all of these to Lambert," his father says, a little uncertainly "But he says he is happy with how he is. I have to tell you, it can be hard to understand! After all, there are so many difficult things these days - and not enough relaxation, eh! But you know, I suppose you are friends? Three is not too bad, but it would be safer with a Maenad around too. So hold onto that." He nods a bit, and adds brightly "There can be many benefits! Forest creatures come and offer you food. I suppose there can be anger issues…" Poor ELmo begins to feel a rather hot, almost distressing sensation in his gut. As if he has eaten something uncertain. Kai walks right back into Old Magic at a strength that Lambert never manages.

"Offer what to Lambert?" Elmo says blankly. "Yeah, we're friends, and he works hard. I don't think he lacks for playin', though…" And then—oh no. Oh no. "Oh no. No, no, don't turn me into a horse!" He wraps his arms around his belly as the most bizarre sensation erupts in it, alarmed.

Kai's eyes widen, and he asks, "You're turning Elmo into a horse?" He doesn't sound the least bit distressed. Sometimes people turn into animals. What can one do? He sets down the platter of food and approaches Elmo curiously. "What does it feel like?" he murmurs in awe. No one's ever turned him into a horse.

"He doesn't need a horse," says the big man. As far as horses go, apparently it is not a good idea to ask Kai's Loki about that whole affair? Still, he like Kai, is not remotely concerned about all of this or how weird it is. Magical creatures, man. He says "Offer new experiences to Lambert!" And then he cants his ears forward, and he says with a certain warmth "You know, in case he wanted to try them. Anyway. I'm not turning you into a horse." And he waves a casual hand "No, he needs challenges. He's all soft. I'm turning you into a Maenad.

"A what," Elmo squeaks—really squeaks, voice cracking. "Kai! You're not helping!" Kai is like the cat who is very interested that you're laying on the floor, but does not question why you might be on the floor. "Isn't a maenad…a girl?" Features soften up a touch, reforming in still a very Elmo mold. He, or possibly she at the moment, pronouns being what they are, doesn't dare let go of the thyrsus, though. If this is a process, the last thing he wants to do is interrupt it.

"To be fair, Elmo, you already have the temperament," Kai says, and he helps himself to a piece of baklava. He's exactly like a cat who's interested without questioning. Though he does say, "This is probably the exact thing Lambert doesn't want happening while he's got a famous critic in his restaurant." Just saying.

Elmo finds his flesh reshaping itself - a bit less violently than Lindon's did. His ears lengthen and become pointed and slightly furry on the back, and his teeth sharpen up - much like Mr. Petropolous' have. He says, the old thing does, brightly "Ah, a Maenad isn't a girl. They draw milk and honey from the streams. They strike rocks with their thyrsus, and water gushes forth. They lower the thyrsus to the earth, and a spring of wine bubbles up. If they want milk, they scratch up the ground with their fingers and draw up the milky fluid. Honey trickles down from the thyrsus made of the wood of the ivy, they gird themselves with snakes and give suck to fawns and wolf cubs as if they were infants at the breast. Fire does not burn them. No weapon of iron can wound them, and the snakes harmlessly lick up the sweat from their heated cheeks. Fierce bulls fall to the ground, victims to numberless, tearing female hands, and sturdy trees are torn up by the roots with their efforts - a Maenad is not a _girl_. A Maenad is a female force of nature - of lightning and power and rage and delirium and -" What was Kai just saying? THIS IS A DISASTER.

Elmo whimpers, not in pain exactly, but it feels extremely weird. Her knees buckle as she hangs on to the thyrsus. "Um," she says breathlessly. "This is a terrible idea—" She wobbles, doesn't quite fall over because this new form isn't going to wimp out like that, and looks down at herself. Really, Elmo as a girl looks quite a lot like Elmo as a guy, but now her suit doesn't fit, too long in the arms and too tight in the chest and hips. "Oy vey izt mir," she groans. "…I want to PUNCH SOMEBODY."

"A Jewish maenad," Kai observes. He steps further from Elmo. Let Lambert's dad take the punch, he isn't to blame for any of this (for once). "Tell me this will wear off," he says to Lambert's dad. "Or that you can reverse this. You don't want to be on Elmo's bad side even when he's just a guy." As he makes these observations, he nibbles baklava. "I'm just going to go downstairs and tell Lambert everything."

Elmo's skin has changed as well - more resistent to damage, but also spotting up delicately, like a fawn's. She has acquired a fawn's tail, and only very small, feminine prong horns. And she has the nature of a Maenad, strong, violent, emotional, passionate. A creature that drinks and eats wine and raw meat. Mr. Petropolous claps his hands lightly as Elmo speaks (Elma?) and he says "I am sure that my son can take a punch - oh, I suppose it will wear off in a week or two. I don't pay too much attention to times and dates - ahaha. Why bother, such a thing can be quite boring. Now we…wait." He pauses "…you're not serious about telling him - why don't we leave his new friend here as a surprise!"

The magic has the odd side effect of switching off Elmo's mutation. At least now she's not an incredibly strong, violent, ELECTRIC mythical creature. "KAI LOOK AT ME, I'M DAPPLED," she wails, holding up her still big, but now delicate hands. "Oh my God, what am I gonna tell Jay, what am I gonna tell JP—this is all your fault," she hisses, suddenly arching like a furious cat, glaring at Mr. Petropolous. "THIS is not how you get Bert a girlfriend!"

Kai tells Mr. Petropolous, "Oh, trust me, he's going to be surprised." To Elmo, he says gently, "You look good dappled. I'm sure they'll understand. Or you can tell them you're going out of town for a week or two and find somewhere to hang out until it passes." He's backing to the door as he offers his suggestions.

"You look very beautiful," assures Lambert's father "And if you really don't want to date Lambert, you can date me!" He is wearing a wedding ring on one wide finger "Who are all these other people?" wonders the Father, though he notices Kai starting to sneak out, and then he says "Why are you both so worried! I mean, everything will be…" He pauses as he notes the rod with the pinecone, still with Elmo "…I might go for a walk," says the big man suddenly "Right now!"

Elmo's got that pinecone-topped rod in hand like it was her favorite screwdriver. "Oh no you don't!" She springs at the big satyr, newly pointy teeth bared. "Get your fershtunken goat ass BACK HERE!" Stuff goes flying.

|ROLL| Lambert +rolls 1d100 for: 85

|ROLL| Elmo +rolls 1d100 for: 11

|ROLL| Kai +rolls 1d100 for: 24

It turns out that being _born_ with hooves works pretty damn well - Mr. Petropolous is also used to Maenads, and for _him_…discretion is the better part of valour! So he turns and he makes a jump for the _window_ because Kai is in the doorway and above the stairs. It might be time for parkour - for everyone here. Out goes Mr. Petropolous, landing two solid huge goat feet in the garden and courtyard outside. _Whump_. He hits like a rocket! And Kai does _not_ fall over down the stairs, which is good - neither does Elmo. But if Elmo wants some revenge for the newly boiling rage in her belly? Kai is the closest…

Kai backs into the doorway and says, "Elmo, remember what I can do, Elmo. Don't make me throw you across the room. I don't want to hurt you. I only want to get Lambert so you can beat up him instead." His voice is soothing, like one might use to talk down a snarling dog. Good Maenad. "I'm just gonna…" He turns to head down the stairs.

"I don't wanna beat up Bert!" Elmo yells, half crying, half screaming. "I want to beat up that NO GOODNIK POP OF HIS!" She's probably not the first woman with that desire. Nevertheless, she plows into Kai, unable to control it. "Kai HELP, do the darkness thing, do SOMETHING!"

Kai woomphs and catches himself on the stairs. He whips around and plunges the apartment into magical darkness with a thought. From the outside, there's a miasma of shadow obscuring the structure up here, and even a maenad's eyes are blinded. He isn't, though. He walks around her, his voice shifting directions as he moves. "Come back in here," he says gently. "If you need to beat up someone, you can beat up me, okay? Think of all the annoying things I've done, and when I lift the darkness, have at it."

If we are being honest here, Bert's mother wants to beat up Bert's father the most. But she _does_ get cruises out of his philandering. Downstairs, a few of the diners are a bit surprised by the arrival of a large satyr. Who is looking back and forth, cautiously. Elmo's screaming is audible from down there, and it does not sound like someone having a good time! Indeed, he is no goodnik. Or, at the very least, a creature from an entirely different time, fitting only awkwardly into this one. Thus it goes. As for, well. As for the darkness, it is begining to arrive and hide the weirdness…to a certain extent. Marcy is peering out, and inside, the critic is eating his very nice dinner. Lambert has scuttled back out to the kitchen and is looking up, mouth open "…go fix this!" he hisses to his dissolute father.

Elmo's new ears can pinpoint where Kai is, and it makes her head follow him uncannily. She's panting and trembling, trying to stand still, but it's really, REALLY hard. "I can beat you up? You mean it?" she says plainitively. Well, plaintively and slightly murderously. "…Like that time you scared the hell out of me? Like ALL those times?" Her hand is white-knuckled around the thyrsus.

Kai says gently, "I'm going to drop the darkness, and yeah, you can try to beat me up." He's nearly got the strength and durability of an Asgardian. How tough can a Maenad be, after all? "I know, I scared you lots. You didn't know I knew how to fight. Just don't make me hurt you. You're my friend." He takes a moment to breathe, prepare himself as best he can, and he drops the darkness. Poor Lambert's apartment.

Elmo flings herself at Kai with ancient glee. She really doesn't know how to fight, though, she always does her fighting either with electricity or when someone's already been disabled by said electricity. So she tackles him but she has no idea how to actually do any damage. However, alas for Kai's uniform. That immediately gets ripped apart. "Ugh you were SUCH A JERK!" For the moment. Mr. Petropolous has escaped maenad fury.

The phrase 'float like a butterfly, sting like a bee' hasn't been invented yet. If so, it would apply to Kai's fighting style most of the time. Tonight, however? With one of his best friends flying at him in a fury? He braces himself and takes it. His uniform gets shredded, and he stumbles back under the assault. He just keeps her hands off his face, because that's his moneymaker. "I know," he says, still soothingly. "I know, I was a huge jerk."

|ROLL| Kai +rolls 1d20 for: 20

|ROLL| Elmo +rolls 1d20 for: 16

It turns out Kai isn't as small and guileless as he pretends to be. He's strong, and those slashing nails barely scratch skin that's effectively bulletproof. He lets her whomp on him for awhile, but then takes her wrists and just as calmly as ever, he draws her to the couch. "Okay," he says, "I'm going to give you a pillow and you just scream into it as loud as you want." His grip is strong. He handles her like one might a child losing their shit.

"I'm sorry," Elmo groans, held quite firmly by Kai. "I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't a deer." She has calmed down, at least, although her wrists are like shivering steel, they're so strong. "You smell good. You're strong." With that, she attempts to kiss Kai.

Kai is startled to say the least. Elmo gets in a good kiss before Kai can even react. There's just this confusion where instinct says kiss back, and then he realizes what's going on and draws back. "Remember how I'm married?" he says, still calmly. "And how my husband is a god? We should be very careful about how he might react to this." Plus Kai is gay, but damn it, something about the maenad has him questioning himself. Still, he holds her at bay. "Lambert!" he calls.

And finally, eventually, instead of dear dad? Up comes a very nervous looking chef "Kai?" he says, before he stops, in the little stairway just out there, mouth open, staring, agape "…oh God, why _tonight_?" he gasps "He did it again!

Elmo makes a desperate hungry sound against Kai's mouth. When Kai reminds her that he's married, and moreover, married to Loki, her lip curls. "God, schmod. I can take him! I'll knock him up, he can have a dozen little mutants!" She groans again, violently shaking her head. "I'm trying Kai I'm sorry! Oh my God this is a disaster. Bert! Bert what do I do??"

"I… shouldn't be turned on by that," Kai says. "Please don't impregnate my husband. He's not the maternial type." He hugs Elmo to him, her head against his chest. That way she can't kiss him, and he can do his best to calm her. Here, listen to this nice, soothing heartbeat. "Heya, Bert. You feel like mating right now? Elmo's a little tense."

"Kai, I'm a satyr. I feel like sex when I'm so tired I can't move - but I have a very important person downstairs!" says Lambert, a bit desperately as he regards Elmo, and then he hesitantly leeeans to the side and picks up…his doormat. As, possibly, a shield "He's made Elmo into a _Maenad_," he says, voice a bit uncertain "Kai. Kai, like. I like Elmo. I know he's dating Jay. He's sweet. But. He…has he ever had, you know. A violent streak?" The answer is no, right?!

Elmo struggles, then makes herself stop. Then goes through a cycle of that a good four or five times. Kai might remember when she (but at that time, he) had tazed a guy harassing him to his knees, and then started kicking him for good measure. Violent streak? Nnnahhhh. "Where is your pop, Bert? I owe him a knuckle sandwich!"

Kai laughs when Lambert asks if Elmo's ever had a violent streak. That giggle would be a yes. Yes, he has. "Maybe you should get your father," he says. "If you can get me another uniform, I'll entertain Mr. Important. Don't worry! I'm good at entertaining people. I'm just a little… kinda naked right now. At last from the waist up.

"God damn," says Lambert, who then hesitates "Jay would hate me if I did anything…I mean. Oh, wow. Jay. Does anyone have Jay's contact details? Jay can fly her out of here! That's…that could happen, right?" He moves closer, and then tosses the mat onto Elmo quickly before he darts into his room and gets out a chef's neat white and blue shirt "Get that on you," Lambert gabbles "And if you can get a moment downstairs to make the phone, call Jay!"

Elmo actually bites the doormat, savaging it with her sharp teeth, shaking her head sharply so jute flies everywhere. "Gah! Bert why'd you have to do that, that was gross," she complains, trying to handlessly paw jute out of her mouth. "Jay! Please call Jay. Call Lamont, Lindon's over there, he's a satyr, he can handle me, right?" She's part pleading and part threatening. "Right?!" She looks up at Kai, then at Bert's room, whimpering. It's not a sad whimper. It's eager and throaty. Her eyes are huge, dark and luminous, like a deer's. "Kai I'm really sorry I didn't mean it. I mean yes I meant it but I wouldn't do that to you."

Kai dons the shirt hastily, and he says, "I'll call, then I'll charm the socks off your critic. If Jay's not home, I'll call the nerd. I don't know the nerd's number. Damn it." He smoothes back his hair and tells Elmo, "It's okay. Just take it out on Lambert while I'm gone." He claps Lambert on the shoulder, then gets the heck out of there.

There is a cough from the satyr "Linny's number is in the book, but it's written up as 'lumber supplies'." Because, after all, Lindon is in danger, on and off, and because he can actually be cautious sometimes! Then he turns back and he pats Elmo's shoulder a little, and he says to her "So. I'm not entirely sure you couldn't get someone pregnant. Other than yourself. I mean, I don't know, it's magic, and…and…I brought you some honey and wine."

Elmo has at least fought out the initial surge of frenzy. "Bert, you said the girls in your family are like this?" she asks, sounding horrified. "How does anybody survive?…You brought me wine? Thank you!" She takes it from him and sets her lips to it, tilting her head back, long throat swallowing. Her hair's become longer at this point, in classic Greek ringlets. Alas, her favorite suit hasn't survived fighting too well, almost every seam split. "So good," she sighs, licking a drip of honeyed wine from her hand.

Lambert says "Only the Maenads! The nymphs are. You know. Gentler. And…look, er, you get used to it. When you're pretty tough, you can survive their attention." He pauses, and then he looks at those ringlets, and suddenly…Lambert's heart melts "You're so beautiful," he says vaguely, staring at her bouncy hair "Look at that gorgeous colour. And your face. And you have the nicest spots."

"Do you really like my spots?" Elmo says, mostly flattered but also somewhat dismayed. She looks down. "Augh, for—My suit!" It's a mess. And there's simultaneously less of her and more of her than there was. She touches her chest, eyes wide. "Uh. Wow. Um. Your dad thought the place could use a feminine touch," she says, quite sour.

Kai is downstairs making phone calls. He reaches the nerd and informs his his friend Elmo is now a Maenad. Uh huh. Yes. That's right, a Maenad. After a brief conversation, he hangs up and goes to check on the critic, refilling anything that needs refilled and answering questions about the place to the best of his ability (and making stuff up when he doesn't know the answer).

"I wish I had spots," admits Lambert "Even if it's a bit…feminine, you know. I mean, I suppose it just isn't manly of me, wishing I had that sort of dappling…but I can't jhelp it. It's too adorably cute." He sighs, sadly, and then after a moment he leans in and kisses her on the cheek, while Kai is downstairs 'helping'. Yes, helping. After a moment, Lambert pauses, as something hits him "…he gave YOU bigger horns too?!"

Elmo growls, "You adorable man, come here," grabs Bert by the ears, and kisses him enthustiastically. She lets him go, her smile the one she only gets when she's fixed something particularly well. Cocksure and saucy. "Oh wow this is going to be tough," she says breathlessly. "I could kiss you all night. All week. You smell so good." She looks up at her horns—well, tries, and feels them. "I guess they're a little bigger? But yours are so cute!"

Kai fills the critic's ears with what he wants to hear, though honestly he lets the food do most of the talking. It's good food. The atmoshere is nice. There isn't all that much for Kai to say to embelish. Anyway, not to hover. He heads back out to let the man eat in peace. Into the courtyard Kai goes, then up the stairs. "Jay wasn't home, but the nerd was, and he said she could come over there."

"Okay!" says Lambert to Kai as he comes back up "Well, Linny is gay, so they should be safe." As far as he…knows? Lambert has only the vaguest of grasps on the way this sort of thing works with humans. How to human, anyway? He turns back to Elmo and then he winds his arms around her and makes a low noise. Mrheh heh heh. Sort of goaty? Her sense of smell is increased, and Lambert _does_ smell good. And then he says "Aww, man. I tried to get you in this mood for weeks, and now you're in it, you're kind of not in your right mind. Man is this unfair. Okay. I'll go take care of the critic, then we have to sneak Elmo there. I'll just be a minute."

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